Return to College

Hey there, people-who-read-this!

How was everyone's summers? Sorry to disappear from the blogosphere and all, but you all survived without us, no? Anyway, after about 5 minutes on campus, I had enough material to fill a new post, so I reckoned it was time to get back to posting my irrelevant mutterings and inane observations for the world to see.

What's happened in the 36ish hours since I've been up here in Canton?
- I've hugged more people than I ever have before in such a short time frame, I'm pretty sure. Some of them people I know only quite peripherally. Lots of awkward I-go-in-for-handshake, they-go-in-for-high-five sorta things, which have ended in hugs every single time.
- I took cover in a tree whilst the senior class streaked (struck?) below me. And no, I don't think I'll provide any additional context for that statement?
- I've been to Walmart no less than 3 times. That averages once every 12 hours? Think I'm done for a while though.
- On the subject of buying things, I just had to lay down $446 for books this semester. That's more than I paid for books last year, in total. When the total was announced at the checkout counter, I didn't even have it in me to say something witty and indignant to the clerk, instead settling for unhappy whimpering as I staggered away.
- Made all my meals so far (my meal card won't work until tomorrow). Lunch today wasn't too pretty, but the resounding success of dinner made up for it. Tellingly, my only participation in the making of dinner was washing the vegetables and stirring the pot, all the more complex tasks being handled by more culinarily inclined friends. Ended up with this... I dunno, like organic fried salad thing, I'm sure it has a real name, I just don't know it. Suprisingly delicious for a dish with that much beet in it.
- I killed my friend's bike this morning. I was trying to pump up his tires, and something went terribly, terribly amiss. I'm not sure whether to tell him or not.

Yes. Yes That is What She Said

I think that our society is collapsing. I say this not because of our economy or our country's "Declining Moral Values" but because of four simple words: That's What She Said. 

Allow me to explain: I love words. Finding the perfect phrase to describe a situation makes me absurdly happy. Conversely, using my mad language skillz to make a joke is also something I pride myself on. That is why it saddens me that the pinnacle of humor is to use a prefabricated line to turn something innocent into something sexual.

Not that I'm against turning people's innocent statements into lewd remarks and making them seem a pervert, I'm for that by all means. But where is the creativity? In the spirit of originality allow me to weave a metaphor:

In days of old humans worked for food. Either working the land or hunting prey to satiate their hunger, the calories earned were just enough to pay back the calories used to acquire the food. Today its a different story:

Thus, we have grown fat and lazy. "That's what she said" and other prefab jokes (Pwnd, LOL, Any un-ironic movie quote) are to humor what hotpockets are to food. Lost are the days of wit where Winston Churchill could dazzlingly outwit a crotchety aristocrat after having enough Scotch to kill a horse. Instead we are left with clashes of wit being fought with Internet memes and movie quotes.

In conclusion, that's what she said jokes are ruining society. It is simply too much to swallow.

Manny

For those of you who don't follow baseball or the news, Manny Ramirez was today suspended by Major League Baseball fifty games for testing positive for a performance-enhancing drug. He cheated.

Manny Ramirez was, in many ways, one of the best stories in baseball. Perhaps the most talented hitter in the game, one of the hardest workers in baseball, a charismatic clubhouse leader, and fundamentally goofy and loveable, it was hard to dislike Manny. As a Red Sox fan, I was witness to some of his worst moments, where he let down the team because of his bad attitude and desire to play for another team. Somehow, he remained likeable enough that, even at his worst, I found myself able to forgive him; he seemed like some sort of man-child who you couldn't really get mad at. I looked a gallery of Manny pictures over the years today on the Sports Illustrated website, and in all of them he is either hugging Papi, emerging from hanging out in the scoreboard, listening to an MP3 player during a game, rocking his dreads, and just generally being cuddly and awesome. He certainly seems like that rarity in professional sports: a man who didn't take himself too seriously.

All that vanished today. He cheated. He claims he was just taking something his trainer gave him, didn't know it was banned. Others point out that the substance he tested positive for isn't a steroid, and has only been banned for a year. Still others speculate that he took the drug because of a problem in the bedroom. No matter. It is a responsibility of every modern sports player to know what substances can affect on-field play and are banned. Manny took a banned substance, and has to pay the consequences. He may have passed fifteen drug tests in the past five years, but he failed one, and that's enough to make his entry into the Hall of Fame unlikely.

I don't know. Why on earth do we keep looking up to sports stars? As a group, they've proven to be singularly incapable of the responsibility of being childhood heroes. And yet. Manny was on the Red Sox for eight years, and was a face of the team for most of them. And with one failed test, that all seems to poof away. Maybe I'm just in an emotional mood, what with all this last day of freshman year stuff going on, but I am truly saddened by Manny's fall from grace. Just seems tragic.

Cam's To-Do List

1. Ride in a hot air balloon or blimp

2. Set foot in every state

3. See Trevor Hall live again

4. Jump into the river with a flaming torch every year of college

5. Become less scared of snakes, just a little bit

6. See every movie in which Samuel L Jackson stars

7. Become an adequate dancer

8. Live next to a body of water (lake, beach, river, etc)

9. Create a YouTube video that gets over 50,000 views

10. Throw something quite unusual off a cliff

11. Go to a music festival or two

12. Never run a marathon

13. Own a pair of jeans that are more than 20% patches

14. Read War and Peace all the way through

15. Name something (team?) Lightning In Wyoming

16. Own a really friendly cat

17. Make a movie more epic than Ninjas en mi Armario

18. Enjoy Cheezits into old age

19. Go to Africa

20. Avoid prison

21. Play the cowbell/triangle on stage in front of an audience

22. Visit Woodstock

23. Swim with a sea turtle

24. Make friends with an Australian

25. Write a good poem

26. Go bungee-jumping or skydiving, or just jump off something really high

27. Never own an expensive car (exception: a Mini, ‘cause that’d be sweet)

28. Drink appletinis with Kathleen
29. Keep a journal for a year
30. Never consume an energy drink

31. Participate in an outrageous sport

32. Own home with secret passage/spiral staircase/fire pole
33. Look good in a hat

34. Skinny dip
35. Go to a film festival
36. Write something that gets published about the Legendary Stardust Cowboy
37. Hike the back of Half Dome
38. Learn one song on guitar or piano
39. Build a great ropeswing
40. Be an extra in a movie
41. Acquire carpentry skills and use them to create something useful
42. Don’t do karaoke. Ever. You may think it’s funny, but it’s not.
43. See Sigur Ros live, or go to Iceland. OR DO BOTH.
44. Grow impressive facial hair
45. Go a year without drinking bottled water
46. Learn to drive a stick competently
47. Go to a drive-in movie
48. Build a freakin sweet sand castle
49. Own a cool vinyl collection
50. Sleep on the beach
51. Captain a sailboat
52. Work on a political campaign
53. Quit a job in a ridiculously dramatic fashion
54. See the Northern Lights, MAYBE WHILE IN ICELAND
55. Get good at snowboarding
56. Don’t live in Florida when old
57. Scuba dive
58. Pet a manatee or emu or iguana
59. Spend time in an igloo
60. Meet a past or present Prime Minister of Canada
61. Don’t sell my Legos
62. Signal someone in Morse Code
63. Encounter quicksand but do not step in it

64. Get a Callahan in a competitive game (frisbee)

65. Go to Stonehenge
66. Knit myself a hat
67. Solve a NY Times crossword (asking friends for help is kosher)
68. Wink at a stranger and have them wink back
69. Have a catchphrase

70. Convince someone I have an authentic British accent
71. Create cool graffiti
72. Be the really awesome uncle/grandfather
73. See lava flow
74. If in a fight, don’t get embarrassed
75. Support the Red Sox come hell or high water
76. Visit some Greek isles
77. Get up on 1 ski waterskiing

78. Win a fantasy baseball league
79. Graduate college
80. Go a week without looking at a clock
81. Pull a con
82. Wear only awesome ties, unless at funeral or something like that
83. Live in a town/city with a delicious icecream parlor
84. Call in to a radio show
85. Live longer than the average American
86. Learn to telemark ski
87. Become a talented maker of cookies and brownies, maybe even cake
88. Own a plant named George
89. Attend either a summer or winter Olympics
90. Throw a message in a bottle into the ocean
91. Create a truly great, lasting nickname for someone
92. Go camping with just my dad
93. Grow an apple tree
94. Never get a tattoo
95. Whittle a walking stick
96. Go to either an opera or orchestral professional performance
97. Be able to recognize more than 15 constellations
98. Play a game of chess via mail
99. Have a pleasant vegetable garden
100. Build a tree house

An Amusing Habit Pays Off (edit: not really)

I'm in the (amusing) habit of picking up pieces of paper and reading whatever's written on them in the hope that its something interesting. Most times its a homework assignment or something like a shopping list but every once in a while my odd tendencies are rewarded. Next to a travel mug (which I also claimed) I found this poem scrawled in hasty cursive which I struggled to decode. There was no title, there was no author, only the musings of what I imagine to be a tortured soul. Enjoy:

Untitled

Do not go gentle into that good night,

Old age should burn and rave at the

close of day

Though wise men at their end know dark is

right

Because their words had bored no lightning

they do not go gentle into that good night

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright

Their frail deeds might have dared in a green by

rage, rage against the dying of light.

Wild men who caught and sang the song in

flight;

and learn, too late, they grieved it on its

way,

Do not go gentle into that good night

Brave men, near death who see with blinding

sight, blind eyes that blame like

Ok thats not the end, but as Cam pointed out to me this is actually a very well known poem by Dylan Thomas called predictably enough "Do not go gentle into that Good Night." I suppose the hope of having stumbled across a mysterious and anonymous poem was enough to quell my instinct to type the words into Google. If only I had taken AP English, perhaps I would not be such an uncultured swine....

Question: Are Swine Flu Jokes Kosher?

The answer? Very. So I'd check out http://doihaveswineflu.org, if I were you.

In other amusing Swine Flu news, Joe Biden happened. I, for one, have been extremely disappointed by the lack of Joe Biden gaffes over the first 100 days of the Obama administration. It was with some happiness, then, that I heard Joe Biden tell Americans to totally freak out about swine flu and lock themselves into a bank vault until it all blows over, or whatever he said.*

* "I would tell members of my family - and I have - I wouldn't go anywhere in confined places now"

In my personal favorite story of the epidemic, a deputy health minister in Israel has said that the virus should not be referred to as 'swine flu' because pork is not kosher under Judaism. Instead, he suggested it be called 'Mexican Flu.' Oddly, Mexico has not taken particularly well to this suggestion, and the Mexican ambassador to Israel has lodged an official complaint.

So, the weekend up here in Canton was pleasantly swine flu-free, leaving time for other activities like JUMPING INTO A RIVER WITH A FLAMING TORCH. This happened. Check Facebook if you don't believe me. Certainly a major highlight of my year. Certainly broke the monotony of studying for finals.

In the last note of the day, because I really want to be Evan Doucett at a fundamental level, I have emulated him and created my own list of life goals. It's 57 items long right now, and when I finalize it, I'll be sure to share.

Have a lovely Monday

Phil Collins Etc

This weekend is my LAST at St. Lawrence this year, and it's kinda weird. Everyone has these 'finals' things lurking over them, and respond to it in different ways: going to sleep at 10 or becoming exceedingly drunk. Wasn't really in the mood for either extreme tonight, however, and when a friend told me that she was going to a bar to watch her friend's boyfriend's band play, I leapt at the chance to accompany them, despite the rather tenuous connection.

Mistake. The bar was in Hannawa Falls NY, which called itself a village but only qualified as such under an exceedingly liberal definition of the word. The bar wasn't as grim as it might have been, or was at least dimly lighted enough that its worst deficiencies were hidden. Amusingly, when the band called out "This one goes out to all of you who who grew up in a small town in the middle of nowhere," I was LITERALLY the only one not to respond with a cheer and fist pump. The band, I must say, was interesting: I can now cross off Hear a Metal Version of "Something In The Air Tonight" from my things-to-do-before-I-die list... Still though, two things prevented the evening from being a total waste. Firstly, I owned a lot of grizzled old guys at fooseball, which made me feel really good about myself. Secondly, I made the decision earlier in the night not to wear a hawaiian shirt, and thank goodness. It would have been thoroughly jarring next to all the locals with Slipknot t-shirts and John Deere hats (which qualifies as jarring in its own right, I'd say).

It all got me thinking about college in general (although I can't say how exactly I arrived there). I'm completely pumped for schoolwork to be over with in less than a week, but less certain how I feel about being home for the summer. On the plus side, this summer looks to have old friends, family, lots of concerts, lots of frisbee, lots of free time, money-making, and lots of sleeping in; all of which sound outrageously pleasant. I reckon that if I can work in enough visits with current college friends, it should be pretty much the complete package, and totally worth being excited about.

I still can't believe I spent two and half hours at a bar in Hannawa tonight.

Good Lord I Haven't Posted in a While

Part of having a school with a "Strong Engineering Program" is the tendency of said Engineering students to be a tad south of normal. Most times this tendency manifests itself in an affinity for Cannibal Corpse and WOW discussions, but occasionally all that nerdiness is redeemed when some enterprising soul builds a seesaw and puts it in front of the student union. On behalf of all the wussy liberal arts majors here at Grove City College, thank you. Ok thats all I wanted to say, you can go back to building Lego Mindstorms now.

On a completely unrelated note last night I watched Hot Fuzz (for the 5th or 6th time) and this time I watched it with something called the "Fuzz Meter" on. Apparently this is a running subtitle commentary which certainly enhanced the movie. Not only did it reveal to me that Simon Pegg has an unhealthy but awesome obsession with The Kinks, but was also hilariously self-referential as only British humor can be. Probably the most amusing running gag was the idol worship of supporting actor Timothy Dalton, who was described once as being "Dashing" and another time as posessing "Chiseled features which Marvel comics routinely draw inspiration from to draw superheroes."

Notes: 

• Turns out the seesaw was being used for a fundraiser which is much less exciting than my previous theory of spontaneous playground equipment generation.
• This is just awesome: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=puSkP3uym5k 

Wow It's Really Really Nice Out

That was a crazy weekend. Two canoe trips, front row at a Keller Williams concert, two Grateful Dead cover bands (!), a total fail of a crew regatta, lots of plastic getting tossed around, s'mores, a 10 page research paper, climbing on roofs, napping on the quad (in my beanbag obviously), and lots of other fun stuff. Thank god yesterday was sorta damp and chilly, otherwise that research paper and accompanying presentation never would've gotten done. Today represents a return that magical land where it's over 80, grass is being cut, mulch is being laid down, and the hockey team is shirtless.

- Trying to assemble a summer club frisbee team feels far more intrigue-laden than it has any right to be. Likewise with trying to get everyone on the same page for a potential roadtrip.

- THE SOX HAVE WON 10 IN A ROW, JUST SWEPT THE YANKS, AND JACOBY STOLE HOME. Yeah.

- Larry King is creepy.

- I don't know if you followed the fairly epic fight that just finished in Oklahoma: The song "Do You Realize?" has officially be selected as the state song. A while back there was an online poll to choose the state song, open to the public, and in a rare move of awesomeness the song by The Flaming Lips (who hail from the panhandle) was selected. Then the movement reached the Oklahoma House of Representatives, where things got fun. The band was accused of having communist sympathies (so what? we won that war, guys...), and the debate featured the following quote from Rep. Mike Reynolds, who was outraged by the band's use of profanity: "Their lips ought to be on fire." There you go, Midwest. Way to reassert your crazy. But over the weekend the governor weighed in and said that "Do You Realize?" had won the poll and would instituted as state song by executive order.

- CNN keeps running the headline "Newest Obama is a Shoe-Chewer," and I keep on just reading "Obama is a Shoe-Chewer" and being completely mystified.

- So. Swine flu. Seems important enough to warrant mentioning here, but I don't have anything to say about it. Can't really see it affecting Canton NY...

- I just watched the latest episode of Family Guy on Hulu, and I do believe I got every reference, which is definitely a first. It featured direct call-outs to Silence of the Lambs, He-Man, Goonies, all sorts of fun stuff.

- AH! In less than two weeks I'll be back in Andover... which will be awesome but a little bit sad.

This Week in Bullets

Whoops, Nathan and I have been a bit lazy lately, our apologies. But all is right in the world, because here in Canton NY it's supposed to be 72 degrees tomorrow, and almost 80 Saturday. Such weather is lovely wherever you are, but after enduring the Arctic winter that we have, the amount of awesomeness that such a forecast contains is had to capture.

- More things that are awesome include the fact that Keller Williams shall be playing on the St. Lawrence quad Saturday, which has me all tingly. And there's a Grateful Dead cover band on campus tomorrow night, so yeah. I'm happy.

- Glenn Beck is officially on the list of really really crazy famous people who I adore for their headline-creating awfulness. I had been getting all glum after Blago was denied his reality show by court order, but then Mr. Beck says things like this and all is better. Sort of. Readers, please never ever compare yourself to Martin Luther King, Jr. Especially not in the midst of a mildly incoherent (at best) rant. AND THEN, if that wasn't good enough for you, consider the deep and delicious irony of Mr. Beck's latest theory: "NBC News is nothing but a propaganda machine... to make money for GE." Do I need to make a joke here, or are we all clear on why that statement is freakin' hilarious?

- I'm listening to "Africa" by Toto right now, and damnit all, I love it.

- This story is really notable mostly for its headline: Venezuela To Give Island To New Jersey. It's not actually that interesting a piece of news, but that is in every way an off-putting headline.

- Whoa. Apple just sold its BILLIONTH app for the iPhone. Yikes. That's an average of 30 apps per iPhone user, and remember that all billion of these have been sold in 9 months. If you're really into the statistics, consider how that means that 5.5 million apps have been sold a day, on average.

- Appearently afraid of being upstaged in Fox News' crazy department, Sean Hannity has agreed to be waterboarded for charity.... WHO WOULD EVER PAY MONEY TO HAVE THIS HAPPEN?!?! I'm all for giving money to charity, but must a news anchor be tortured for people to donate money?

- On the torture subject, I would urge readers to watch Monday's Daily Show on Hulu. Actually, I'd urge everyone to watch every episode of the Daily Show, and bask in Jon Stewart's awesomeness. But Monday's was especially good.

- There's an xkcd book coming out! I think if you're excited about such things, your nerdiness can no longer be denied. I dunno what it says about me, though, because I really only get like half the jokes but I'm pumped anyway.

- I know there's been several bullet points at Fox's expense already tonight, but I think one more is needed. Sadly, Fox finally caught on to why everyone, especially other better-informed news networks, was giggling at them when they were discussing plans to "teabag the fools in D.C.!" <-- (Actually said by someone on Fox) Anyway, a Fox representative indignantly explained:

"I've never seen anything like it," Bozell said. "The oral sex jokes on CNN and particularly MSNBC on teabagging ... they had them by the dozens. That's how insulting they were toward people who believe they're being taxed too highly.

- Is that enough links for you all? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!

How to Use Chopsticks

I copied this word for word off of the chopsticks I got with my chinese food a few nights ago.

"Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. Please try your Nice Chinese Food with Chopsticks the traditional and typical of Chinese glonous history and cultual."

1. Tuk under and held firmly

2. Tnurnb

3. Learn how to use chopsticks

4. Add second chcostick hold it as you hold pencil

5. Hold tirst chopstick in originai position

6. Move the second one up and down

7. Now you can pick up anything:

Any ideas on what "Tnurnb" means? I'm at a loss...

Cam Lownie's Summer

Having recently acquired a summer job, I've been searching for ways to spend my not-yet-earned money. I have succeeded. Here's my summer concert schedule. Be impressed. And jealous. Or come along, that's cool too. Everything except Phish is around $30...

May 20: The Shins (The Orpheum, Boston)

May 29-31: Mountain Jam Festival featuring The Allman Brothers, Gov't Mule, Umphrey's McGee, Michael Franti & Spearhead, Tea Leaf Green, Brett Dennan, Derek Trucks Band, Gomez, and more! (Hunter Mountain NY) <-- Free because I'm volunteering

July 9: State Radio (Hampton Beach Casino, Hampton NH)

July 10: Los Lonely Boys (Boarding House Park, Lowell)

July 11: Wilco (LeLacheur Park, Lowell)

July 31: Blues Traveler (Boarding House Park, Lowell)

August 8: Derek Trucks band (Boarding House Park, Lowell)

August 14: Jakob Dylan and the Wallflowers (Boarding House Park, Lowell)

August 16: Phish (SPAC, Saratoga NY)

Attack of the Bullet Points!

- Blago has his own reality TV show!

- Sarah Palin continues to make headlines: the man she has appointed attorney general manages to be more controversial and awful than herself. He compared gay people to LIMA BEANS, labeled them degenerates of society, made jokes about domestic abuse and rape (“There wouldn’t be an issue with domestic violence if women would learn to keep their mouths shut.”), and many many other bizarre and terrible things. Sometimes I worry, but this is all going on in the distant and deeply irrelevant land of Alaska, so mostly I chuckle. Nervously, though.

- Pirates? Discuss.

- It seems that a healthy percentage of my year, if not an actually majority, are currently dormless for next year. If you are one of the multitude who has no bloody idea where you're living next year: You may have my pity, if not my futon.

- Hulk Hogan was quoted yesterday as saying he can "totally understand" OJ Simpson...

- (this is for baseball fans from Boston, which I'm aware may not be our most populous demographic) So what about Timmay Wake flirting with the no-no Wednesday? Oldest starter in the American League, I'll let you know.

- On a related note, the Yankees lost 10-2 in the first game in the new Yankee Stadium. And I am gleeful.

- My friends and I made it through all three seasons of Arrested Development, and are now starting Freaks and Geeks. Which, somehow, is even better. WHY DOES NO ONE WATCH DECENT TV SHOWS AND DOOM THEM TO BE CANCELED BY FOX? WHY!?

- I have no classes tomorrow, and it is supposed to be sunny and 65. I plan on canoeing, tossing frisbees around, and generally having an amazing day. Byah! <-- Howard Dean noise

Breaking into my Dorm

Last week I had a break which (I thought) ended last Sunday. In reality the break extended into Monday. As a result I ended up walking through my campus and wondering why not a single light was on anywhere even though it was 8 pm on a Sunday night. My brain addled from airline travel it took several failed card key scans before I realized I was locked out of every single building on campus.

Campus security at Grove City is a wonderful combination of a lack of sympathy and a 1984-esque surveillance setup. Not only do they have nearly the entire campus under the watch of closed circuit cameras, but they also know whenever anyone tries to scan into a building. Armed with this fearful knowledge I picked up my bags and started humming the Mission Impossible theme song. 

As I shuffled through bushes towards my (blessedly) first floor window, I alternately prayed for mercy and cursed myself for not checking what times the dorms open. Luckily no one had locked my window and I was able to pry it open.

Stumbling into my darkened room I realized that any light or noise could alert the authorities of my presence. I was faced with a dilemma: Take advantage of being the only person on campus using the broadband and stream high quality video, or risk being found out by the dim light given out by my private showing of 30 Rock? Instead of going without Alec Baldwin I duct taped a blanket over my window.

A few hours later I heard the unmistakable sound of a Campus Security officer's uniform encased thighs swishing down my hallway. I turned off my computer in a fashion that I knew would prompt it to threaten me with "Safe Mode" and dove into a corner. Luckily, the officer was satisfied with checking if my door was locked and disaster was averted.

While I waited for my breathing to return to a normal rate and my pupils to un-dilate, I felt akin to those who manned submarines that had to remain silent in order to escape detection. Except instead of Soviet subs, I was avoiding unmotivated security officers, and instead of a submarine, I was in my comfortably furnished dorm room. But still, the similarity was there.

Luckily I possess the ability to sleep in until 1 pm (when the dorms actually open) so I survived the rest of the night without incident.