Return to College

Hey there, people-who-read-this!

How was everyone's summers? Sorry to disappear from the blogosphere and all, but you all survived without us, no? Anyway, after about 5 minutes on campus, I had enough material to fill a new post, so I reckoned it was time to get back to posting my irrelevant mutterings and inane observations for the world to see.

What's happened in the 36ish hours since I've been up here in Canton?
- I've hugged more people than I ever have before in such a short time frame, I'm pretty sure. Some of them people I know only quite peripherally. Lots of awkward I-go-in-for-handshake, they-go-in-for-high-five sorta things, which have ended in hugs every single time.
- I took cover in a tree whilst the senior class streaked (struck?) below me. And no, I don't think I'll provide any additional context for that statement?
- I've been to Walmart no less than 3 times. That averages once every 12 hours? Think I'm done for a while though.
- On the subject of buying things, I just had to lay down $446 for books this semester. That's more than I paid for books last year, in total. When the total was announced at the checkout counter, I didn't even have it in me to say something witty and indignant to the clerk, instead settling for unhappy whimpering as I staggered away.
- Made all my meals so far (my meal card won't work until tomorrow). Lunch today wasn't too pretty, but the resounding success of dinner made up for it. Tellingly, my only participation in the making of dinner was washing the vegetables and stirring the pot, all the more complex tasks being handled by more culinarily inclined friends. Ended up with this... I dunno, like organic fried salad thing, I'm sure it has a real name, I just don't know it. Suprisingly delicious for a dish with that much beet in it.
- I killed my friend's bike this morning. I was trying to pump up his tires, and something went terribly, terribly amiss. I'm not sure whether to tell him or not.

Yes. Yes That is What She Said

I think that our society is collapsing. I say this not because of our economy or our country's "Declining Moral Values" but because of four simple words: That's What She Said. 

Allow me to explain: I love words. Finding the perfect phrase to describe a situation makes me absurdly happy. Conversely, using my mad language skillz to make a joke is also something I pride myself on. That is why it saddens me that the pinnacle of humor is to use a prefabricated line to turn something innocent into something sexual.

Not that I'm against turning people's innocent statements into lewd remarks and making them seem a pervert, I'm for that by all means. But where is the creativity? In the spirit of originality allow me to weave a metaphor:

In days of old humans worked for food. Either working the land or hunting prey to satiate their hunger, the calories earned were just enough to pay back the calories used to acquire the food. Today its a different story:

Thus, we have grown fat and lazy. "That's what she said" and other prefab jokes (Pwnd, LOL, Any un-ironic movie quote) are to humor what hotpockets are to food. Lost are the days of wit where Winston Churchill could dazzlingly outwit a crotchety aristocrat after having enough Scotch to kill a horse. Instead we are left with clashes of wit being fought with Internet memes and movie quotes.

In conclusion, that's what she said jokes are ruining society. It is simply too much to swallow.

Manny

For those of you who don't follow baseball or the news, Manny Ramirez was today suspended by Major League Baseball fifty games for testing positive for a performance-enhancing drug. He cheated.

Manny Ramirez was, in many ways, one of the best stories in baseball. Perhaps the most talented hitter in the game, one of the hardest workers in baseball, a charismatic clubhouse leader, and fundamentally goofy and loveable, it was hard to dislike Manny. As a Red Sox fan, I was witness to some of his worst moments, where he let down the team because of his bad attitude and desire to play for another team. Somehow, he remained likeable enough that, even at his worst, I found myself able to forgive him; he seemed like some sort of man-child who you couldn't really get mad at. I looked a gallery of Manny pictures over the years today on the Sports Illustrated website, and in all of them he is either hugging Papi, emerging from hanging out in the scoreboard, listening to an MP3 player during a game, rocking his dreads, and just generally being cuddly and awesome. He certainly seems like that rarity in professional sports: a man who didn't take himself too seriously.

All that vanished today. He cheated. He claims he was just taking something his trainer gave him, didn't know it was banned. Others point out that the substance he tested positive for isn't a steroid, and has only been banned for a year. Still others speculate that he took the drug because of a problem in the bedroom. No matter. It is a responsibility of every modern sports player to know what substances can affect on-field play and are banned. Manny took a banned substance, and has to pay the consequences. He may have passed fifteen drug tests in the past five years, but he failed one, and that's enough to make his entry into the Hall of Fame unlikely.

I don't know. Why on earth do we keep looking up to sports stars? As a group, they've proven to be singularly incapable of the responsibility of being childhood heroes. And yet. Manny was on the Red Sox for eight years, and was a face of the team for most of them. And with one failed test, that all seems to poof away. Maybe I'm just in an emotional mood, what with all this last day of freshman year stuff going on, but I am truly saddened by Manny's fall from grace. Just seems tragic.

Cam's To-Do List

1. Ride in a hot air balloon or blimp

2. Set foot in every state

3. See Trevor Hall live again

4. Jump into the river with a flaming torch every year of college

5. Become less scared of snakes, just a little bit

6. See every movie in which Samuel L Jackson stars

7. Become an adequate dancer

8. Live next to a body of water (lake, beach, river, etc)

9. Create a YouTube video that gets over 50,000 views

10. Throw something quite unusual off a cliff

11. Go to a music festival or two

12. Never run a marathon

13. Own a pair of jeans that are more than 20% patches

14. Read War and Peace all the way through

15. Name something (team?) Lightning In Wyoming

16. Own a really friendly cat

17. Make a movie more epic than Ninjas en mi Armario

18. Enjoy Cheezits into old age

19. Go to Africa

20. Avoid prison

21. Play the cowbell/triangle on stage in front of an audience

22. Visit Woodstock

23. Swim with a sea turtle

24. Make friends with an Australian

25. Write a good poem

26. Go bungee-jumping or skydiving, or just jump off something really high

27. Never own an expensive car (exception: a Mini, ‘cause that’d be sweet)

28. Drink appletinis with Kathleen
29. Keep a journal for a year
30. Never consume an energy drink

31. Participate in an outrageous sport

32. Own home with secret passage/spiral staircase/fire pole
33. Look good in a hat

34. Skinny dip
35. Go to a film festival
36. Write something that gets published about the Legendary Stardust Cowboy
37. Hike the back of Half Dome
38. Learn one song on guitar or piano
39. Build a great ropeswing
40. Be an extra in a movie
41. Acquire carpentry skills and use them to create something useful
42. Don’t do karaoke. Ever. You may think it’s funny, but it’s not.
43. See Sigur Ros live, or go to Iceland. OR DO BOTH.
44. Grow impressive facial hair
45. Go a year without drinking bottled water
46. Learn to drive a stick competently
47. Go to a drive-in movie
48. Build a freakin sweet sand castle
49. Own a cool vinyl collection
50. Sleep on the beach
51. Captain a sailboat
52. Work on a political campaign
53. Quit a job in a ridiculously dramatic fashion
54. See the Northern Lights, MAYBE WHILE IN ICELAND
55. Get good at snowboarding
56. Don’t live in Florida when old
57. Scuba dive
58. Pet a manatee or emu or iguana
59. Spend time in an igloo
60. Meet a past or present Prime Minister of Canada
61. Don’t sell my Legos
62. Signal someone in Morse Code
63. Encounter quicksand but do not step in it

64. Get a Callahan in a competitive game (frisbee)

65. Go to Stonehenge
66. Knit myself a hat
67. Solve a NY Times crossword (asking friends for help is kosher)
68. Wink at a stranger and have them wink back
69. Have a catchphrase

70. Convince someone I have an authentic British accent
71. Create cool graffiti
72. Be the really awesome uncle/grandfather
73. See lava flow
74. If in a fight, don’t get embarrassed
75. Support the Red Sox come hell or high water
76. Visit some Greek isles
77. Get up on 1 ski waterskiing

78. Win a fantasy baseball league
79. Graduate college
80. Go a week without looking at a clock
81. Pull a con
82. Wear only awesome ties, unless at funeral or something like that
83. Live in a town/city with a delicious icecream parlor
84. Call in to a radio show
85. Live longer than the average American
86. Learn to telemark ski
87. Become a talented maker of cookies and brownies, maybe even cake
88. Own a plant named George
89. Attend either a summer or winter Olympics
90. Throw a message in a bottle into the ocean
91. Create a truly great, lasting nickname for someone
92. Go camping with just my dad
93. Grow an apple tree
94. Never get a tattoo
95. Whittle a walking stick
96. Go to either an opera or orchestral professional performance
97. Be able to recognize more than 15 constellations
98. Play a game of chess via mail
99. Have a pleasant vegetable garden
100. Build a tree house

An Amusing Habit Pays Off (edit: not really)

I'm in the (amusing) habit of picking up pieces of paper and reading whatever's written on them in the hope that its something interesting. Most times its a homework assignment or something like a shopping list but every once in a while my odd tendencies are rewarded. Next to a travel mug (which I also claimed) I found this poem scrawled in hasty cursive which I struggled to decode. There was no title, there was no author, only the musings of what I imagine to be a tortured soul. Enjoy:

Untitled

Do not go gentle into that good night,

Old age should burn and rave at the

close of day

Though wise men at their end know dark is

right

Because their words had bored no lightning

they do not go gentle into that good night

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright

Their frail deeds might have dared in a green by

rage, rage against the dying of light.

Wild men who caught and sang the song in

flight;

and learn, too late, they grieved it on its

way,

Do not go gentle into that good night

Brave men, near death who see with blinding

sight, blind eyes that blame like

Ok thats not the end, but as Cam pointed out to me this is actually a very well known poem by Dylan Thomas called predictably enough "Do not go gentle into that Good Night." I suppose the hope of having stumbled across a mysterious and anonymous poem was enough to quell my instinct to type the words into Google. If only I had taken AP English, perhaps I would not be such an uncultured swine....

Question: Are Swine Flu Jokes Kosher?

The answer? Very. So I'd check out http://doihaveswineflu.org, if I were you.

In other amusing Swine Flu news, Joe Biden happened. I, for one, have been extremely disappointed by the lack of Joe Biden gaffes over the first 100 days of the Obama administration. It was with some happiness, then, that I heard Joe Biden tell Americans to totally freak out about swine flu and lock themselves into a bank vault until it all blows over, or whatever he said.*

* "I would tell members of my family - and I have - I wouldn't go anywhere in confined places now"

In my personal favorite story of the epidemic, a deputy health minister in Israel has said that the virus should not be referred to as 'swine flu' because pork is not kosher under Judaism. Instead, he suggested it be called 'Mexican Flu.' Oddly, Mexico has not taken particularly well to this suggestion, and the Mexican ambassador to Israel has lodged an official complaint.

So, the weekend up here in Canton was pleasantly swine flu-free, leaving time for other activities like JUMPING INTO A RIVER WITH A FLAMING TORCH. This happened. Check Facebook if you don't believe me. Certainly a major highlight of my year. Certainly broke the monotony of studying for finals.

In the last note of the day, because I really want to be Evan Doucett at a fundamental level, I have emulated him and created my own list of life goals. It's 57 items long right now, and when I finalize it, I'll be sure to share.

Have a lovely Monday

Phil Collins Etc

This weekend is my LAST at St. Lawrence this year, and it's kinda weird. Everyone has these 'finals' things lurking over them, and respond to it in different ways: going to sleep at 10 or becoming exceedingly drunk. Wasn't really in the mood for either extreme tonight, however, and when a friend told me that she was going to a bar to watch her friend's boyfriend's band play, I leapt at the chance to accompany them, despite the rather tenuous connection.

Mistake. The bar was in Hannawa Falls NY, which called itself a village but only qualified as such under an exceedingly liberal definition of the word. The bar wasn't as grim as it might have been, or was at least dimly lighted enough that its worst deficiencies were hidden. Amusingly, when the band called out "This one goes out to all of you who who grew up in a small town in the middle of nowhere," I was LITERALLY the only one not to respond with a cheer and fist pump. The band, I must say, was interesting: I can now cross off Hear a Metal Version of "Something In The Air Tonight" from my things-to-do-before-I-die list... Still though, two things prevented the evening from being a total waste. Firstly, I owned a lot of grizzled old guys at fooseball, which made me feel really good about myself. Secondly, I made the decision earlier in the night not to wear a hawaiian shirt, and thank goodness. It would have been thoroughly jarring next to all the locals with Slipknot t-shirts and John Deere hats (which qualifies as jarring in its own right, I'd say).

It all got me thinking about college in general (although I can't say how exactly I arrived there). I'm completely pumped for schoolwork to be over with in less than a week, but less certain how I feel about being home for the summer. On the plus side, this summer looks to have old friends, family, lots of concerts, lots of frisbee, lots of free time, money-making, and lots of sleeping in; all of which sound outrageously pleasant. I reckon that if I can work in enough visits with current college friends, it should be pretty much the complete package, and totally worth being excited about.

I still can't believe I spent two and half hours at a bar in Hannawa tonight.

Good Lord I Haven't Posted in a While

Part of having a school with a "Strong Engineering Program" is the tendency of said Engineering students to be a tad south of normal. Most times this tendency manifests itself in an affinity for Cannibal Corpse and WOW discussions, but occasionally all that nerdiness is redeemed when some enterprising soul builds a seesaw and puts it in front of the student union. On behalf of all the wussy liberal arts majors here at Grove City College, thank you. Ok thats all I wanted to say, you can go back to building Lego Mindstorms now.

On a completely unrelated note last night I watched Hot Fuzz (for the 5th or 6th time) and this time I watched it with something called the "Fuzz Meter" on. Apparently this is a running subtitle commentary which certainly enhanced the movie. Not only did it reveal to me that Simon Pegg has an unhealthy but awesome obsession with The Kinks, but was also hilariously self-referential as only British humor can be. Probably the most amusing running gag was the idol worship of supporting actor Timothy Dalton, who was described once as being "Dashing" and another time as posessing "Chiseled features which Marvel comics routinely draw inspiration from to draw superheroes."

Notes: 

• Turns out the seesaw was being used for a fundraiser which is much less exciting than my previous theory of spontaneous playground equipment generation.
• This is just awesome: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=puSkP3uym5k 

Wow It's Really Really Nice Out

That was a crazy weekend. Two canoe trips, front row at a Keller Williams concert, two Grateful Dead cover bands (!), a total fail of a crew regatta, lots of plastic getting tossed around, s'mores, a 10 page research paper, climbing on roofs, napping on the quad (in my beanbag obviously), and lots of other fun stuff. Thank god yesterday was sorta damp and chilly, otherwise that research paper and accompanying presentation never would've gotten done. Today represents a return that magical land where it's over 80, grass is being cut, mulch is being laid down, and the hockey team is shirtless.

- Trying to assemble a summer club frisbee team feels far more intrigue-laden than it has any right to be. Likewise with trying to get everyone on the same page for a potential roadtrip.

- THE SOX HAVE WON 10 IN A ROW, JUST SWEPT THE YANKS, AND JACOBY STOLE HOME. Yeah.

- Larry King is creepy.

- I don't know if you followed the fairly epic fight that just finished in Oklahoma: The song "Do You Realize?" has officially be selected as the state song. A while back there was an online poll to choose the state song, open to the public, and in a rare move of awesomeness the song by The Flaming Lips (who hail from the panhandle) was selected. Then the movement reached the Oklahoma House of Representatives, where things got fun. The band was accused of having communist sympathies (so what? we won that war, guys...), and the debate featured the following quote from Rep. Mike Reynolds, who was outraged by the band's use of profanity: "Their lips ought to be on fire." There you go, Midwest. Way to reassert your crazy. But over the weekend the governor weighed in and said that "Do You Realize?" had won the poll and would instituted as state song by executive order.

- CNN keeps running the headline "Newest Obama is a Shoe-Chewer," and I keep on just reading "Obama is a Shoe-Chewer" and being completely mystified.

- So. Swine flu. Seems important enough to warrant mentioning here, but I don't have anything to say about it. Can't really see it affecting Canton NY...

- I just watched the latest episode of Family Guy on Hulu, and I do believe I got every reference, which is definitely a first. It featured direct call-outs to Silence of the Lambs, He-Man, Goonies, all sorts of fun stuff.

- AH! In less than two weeks I'll be back in Andover... which will be awesome but a little bit sad.

This Week in Bullets

Whoops, Nathan and I have been a bit lazy lately, our apologies. But all is right in the world, because here in Canton NY it's supposed to be 72 degrees tomorrow, and almost 80 Saturday. Such weather is lovely wherever you are, but after enduring the Arctic winter that we have, the amount of awesomeness that such a forecast contains is had to capture.

- More things that are awesome include the fact that Keller Williams shall be playing on the St. Lawrence quad Saturday, which has me all tingly. And there's a Grateful Dead cover band on campus tomorrow night, so yeah. I'm happy.

- Glenn Beck is officially on the list of really really crazy famous people who I adore for their headline-creating awfulness. I had been getting all glum after Blago was denied his reality show by court order, but then Mr. Beck says things like this and all is better. Sort of. Readers, please never ever compare yourself to Martin Luther King, Jr. Especially not in the midst of a mildly incoherent (at best) rant. AND THEN, if that wasn't good enough for you, consider the deep and delicious irony of Mr. Beck's latest theory: "NBC News is nothing but a propaganda machine... to make money for GE." Do I need to make a joke here, or are we all clear on why that statement is freakin' hilarious?

- I'm listening to "Africa" by Toto right now, and damnit all, I love it.

- This story is really notable mostly for its headline: Venezuela To Give Island To New Jersey. It's not actually that interesting a piece of news, but that is in every way an off-putting headline.

- Whoa. Apple just sold its BILLIONTH app for the iPhone. Yikes. That's an average of 30 apps per iPhone user, and remember that all billion of these have been sold in 9 months. If you're really into the statistics, consider how that means that 5.5 million apps have been sold a day, on average.

- Appearently afraid of being upstaged in Fox News' crazy department, Sean Hannity has agreed to be waterboarded for charity.... WHO WOULD EVER PAY MONEY TO HAVE THIS HAPPEN?!?! I'm all for giving money to charity, but must a news anchor be tortured for people to donate money?

- On the torture subject, I would urge readers to watch Monday's Daily Show on Hulu. Actually, I'd urge everyone to watch every episode of the Daily Show, and bask in Jon Stewart's awesomeness. But Monday's was especially good.

- There's an xkcd book coming out! I think if you're excited about such things, your nerdiness can no longer be denied. I dunno what it says about me, though, because I really only get like half the jokes but I'm pumped anyway.

- I know there's been several bullet points at Fox's expense already tonight, but I think one more is needed. Sadly, Fox finally caught on to why everyone, especially other better-informed news networks, was giggling at them when they were discussing plans to "teabag the fools in D.C.!" <-- (Actually said by someone on Fox) Anyway, a Fox representative indignantly explained:

"I've never seen anything like it," Bozell said. "The oral sex jokes on CNN and particularly MSNBC on teabagging ... they had them by the dozens. That's how insulting they were toward people who believe they're being taxed too highly.

- Is that enough links for you all? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!

How to Use Chopsticks

I copied this word for word off of the chopsticks I got with my chinese food a few nights ago.

"Welcome to Chinese Restaurant. Please try your Nice Chinese Food with Chopsticks the traditional and typical of Chinese glonous history and cultual."

1. Tuk under and held firmly

2. Tnurnb

3. Learn how to use chopsticks

4. Add second chcostick hold it as you hold pencil

5. Hold tirst chopstick in originai position

6. Move the second one up and down

7. Now you can pick up anything:

Any ideas on what "Tnurnb" means? I'm at a loss...

Cam Lownie's Summer

Having recently acquired a summer job, I've been searching for ways to spend my not-yet-earned money. I have succeeded. Here's my summer concert schedule. Be impressed. And jealous. Or come along, that's cool too. Everything except Phish is around $30...

May 20: The Shins (The Orpheum, Boston)

May 29-31: Mountain Jam Festival featuring The Allman Brothers, Gov't Mule, Umphrey's McGee, Michael Franti & Spearhead, Tea Leaf Green, Brett Dennan, Derek Trucks Band, Gomez, and more! (Hunter Mountain NY) <-- Free because I'm volunteering

July 9: State Radio (Hampton Beach Casino, Hampton NH)

July 10: Los Lonely Boys (Boarding House Park, Lowell)

July 11: Wilco (LeLacheur Park, Lowell)

July 31: Blues Traveler (Boarding House Park, Lowell)

August 8: Derek Trucks band (Boarding House Park, Lowell)

August 14: Jakob Dylan and the Wallflowers (Boarding House Park, Lowell)

August 16: Phish (SPAC, Saratoga NY)

Attack of the Bullet Points!

- Blago has his own reality TV show!

- Sarah Palin continues to make headlines: the man she has appointed attorney general manages to be more controversial and awful than herself. He compared gay people to LIMA BEANS, labeled them degenerates of society, made jokes about domestic abuse and rape (“There wouldn’t be an issue with domestic violence if women would learn to keep their mouths shut.”), and many many other bizarre and terrible things. Sometimes I worry, but this is all going on in the distant and deeply irrelevant land of Alaska, so mostly I chuckle. Nervously, though.

- Pirates? Discuss.

- It seems that a healthy percentage of my year, if not an actually majority, are currently dormless for next year. If you are one of the multitude who has no bloody idea where you're living next year: You may have my pity, if not my futon.

- Hulk Hogan was quoted yesterday as saying he can "totally understand" OJ Simpson...

- (this is for baseball fans from Boston, which I'm aware may not be our most populous demographic) So what about Timmay Wake flirting with the no-no Wednesday? Oldest starter in the American League, I'll let you know.

- On a related note, the Yankees lost 10-2 in the first game in the new Yankee Stadium. And I am gleeful.

- My friends and I made it through all three seasons of Arrested Development, and are now starting Freaks and Geeks. Which, somehow, is even better. WHY DOES NO ONE WATCH DECENT TV SHOWS AND DOOM THEM TO BE CANCELED BY FOX? WHY!?

- I have no classes tomorrow, and it is supposed to be sunny and 65. I plan on canoeing, tossing frisbees around, and generally having an amazing day. Byah! <-- Howard Dean noise

Breaking into my Dorm

Last week I had a break which (I thought) ended last Sunday. In reality the break extended into Monday. As a result I ended up walking through my campus and wondering why not a single light was on anywhere even though it was 8 pm on a Sunday night. My brain addled from airline travel it took several failed card key scans before I realized I was locked out of every single building on campus.

Campus security at Grove City is a wonderful combination of a lack of sympathy and a 1984-esque surveillance setup. Not only do they have nearly the entire campus under the watch of closed circuit cameras, but they also know whenever anyone tries to scan into a building. Armed with this fearful knowledge I picked up my bags and started humming the Mission Impossible theme song. 

As I shuffled through bushes towards my (blessedly) first floor window, I alternately prayed for mercy and cursed myself for not checking what times the dorms open. Luckily no one had locked my window and I was able to pry it open.

Stumbling into my darkened room I realized that any light or noise could alert the authorities of my presence. I was faced with a dilemma: Take advantage of being the only person on campus using the broadband and stream high quality video, or risk being found out by the dim light given out by my private showing of 30 Rock? Instead of going without Alec Baldwin I duct taped a blanket over my window.

A few hours later I heard the unmistakable sound of a Campus Security officer's uniform encased thighs swishing down my hallway. I turned off my computer in a fashion that I knew would prompt it to threaten me with "Safe Mode" and dove into a corner. Luckily, the officer was satisfied with checking if my door was locked and disaster was averted.

While I waited for my breathing to return to a normal rate and my pupils to un-dilate, I felt akin to those who manned submarines that had to remain silent in order to escape detection. Except instead of Soviet subs, I was avoiding unmotivated security officers, and instead of a submarine, I was in my comfortably furnished dorm room. But still, the similarity was there.

Luckily I possess the ability to sleep in until 1 pm (when the dorms actually open) so I survived the rest of the night without incident.

Loyal Order of the Moose

Oh dear. No one has posted here in like half a week. My sincerest apologies, and know that I fully intend to crank out posts most days this week.

Anyway, I spent a lovely weekend in Ithaca NY for Ultimate Sectionals. Most teams there had, I'd estimate, twenty people. St Lawrence ended the weekend with eight uninjured players, five jerseys, six pairs of cleats, and two discs. Also, they were the first games we've played this season (boo!). In the end, we came in seventh, a result that I'm perfectly happy about. But there were some amusing stories along the way:

- Drove past a lodge bearing a sign that proclaimed home to Ithaca's "Loyal Order Of The Moose." Some internet research has revealed that it's not as exciting as you'd think, just a Free Mason Lite sort of community bonding thing. Still though, how about that name...
- Also drove past a sign for Kwik Klean Auto Wash featuring "Soft Foam." That is the actual sign, quotation marks theirs. Quite apart from the deeply and painfully gratuitous misspellings, let us take a moment to contemplate what exactly soft foam is, and why on earth it's hanging out in between quotation marks.... There's this great stuff we all call "soft foam," but that's not what it actually is at all! Urgh. I can't think of any specific connotations, but that just sounds dead wrong.
- Rounding out the list of places I drove by this weekend is the Manos Diner, which made me chuckle. "Been hitting the Thighmaster, Torgo?"
- I really don't ever want to stay in a motel room with eleven other guys again, especially not when athletic events are involved. Pizza, used underarmour, beer, and various other scents combined to create a stench that almost drove me to sleep outside.
- As a freshman, I spent a good deal of time driving other people to places where they could have lots of fun and generally engage in activities that rendered them unable to drive themselves. Recieving a call an hour after I went to sleep and hearing "DUDE! WE'RE AT CORNELL BUT I THINK IT'S TIME TO GO HOME CAN YOU COME PICK US UP?!" is honestly the worst thing to happen, ever.
- Except for the fact that it was snowing Sunday morning while we played.

In other news, the top movies the last two weekends have been Fast and Furious and Hannah Montana. I think that speaks for itself. On a happier note, the captain who had been taken hostage by the Somalian pirates was rescued. By Navy snipers. I'd really like to think that after taking out his captors, at least one whispered to himself, in that deep Halo voice, "Head shot." Seriously though, pretty amazing story.

O frabjous day!

Editor's Note: Cam wishes he wrote the following. He didn't. Although if leaving his computer in other people's rooms consistently results in posts like this, he should probably do so more often.

As I sat here softly tapping,
'pon my door I expected a rapping.
Cameron, this is the second time this day
You've left devices with which to play.

It has been fun, it's entertaining,
but my patience you've been straining.
Next time you leave this open access,
You'll really regret it, especially because you left your credit card in my room.

Sylvester Stallone Can Kill you with a Mountain

Originally I was going to write about how one makes dreadlocks, but finding that completely boring (it has something to do with dedicating your hair to Bob Marley, also beeswax?) I decided to watch the movie "Cliffhanger" on Hulu.com. This was probably the best choice I made today (besides perhaps using chocolate milk on my Rice Krispies).

"Cliffhanger" features Sylvester Stallone as an emotionally distraught mountain-climbing-rescue-guy who gets forced into helping John Lithgow (the bald guy from "3rd Rock from the Sun") locate some cases of money he accidentally dropped while robbing a plane over the Rocky Mountains. Needless to say, he uses his badass climbing skills to escape and then proceeds to mess with the bad guys' plans throughout the movie. His shenanigans range from strapping a tracking device to a bunny (adorable!) to ramming a guy with a freakin' stalactite. Its possible you may think those italics were unnecessary, but that is probably because you forgot that stalactites are the ones that hang from the ceiling. Therefore, Stallone lifted a guy over his head and rammed him into a spiky rock. Hell yes. (dear god let google image have a picture)

Normally I'm a fan of cheeky black criminals with British accents, but the one above totally had it coming. As I was pondering the (admittedly simple) plot of "Cliffhanger" I realized that quite literally the movie is "Die Hard" on a mountain. Replace British criminals with vaguely Slavic ones, and John Lithgow with Alan Rickman and you're halfway there.

Now I should mention that's not necessarily a bad thing. If anything, Hollywood should make more "Die Hard" based movies. The badassery of Bruce Willis could probably even sustain a ripoff starring Keanu Reeves.

Oh yeah. That one was called "Speed."

Stand By Me

We can all agree that somewhere around 98% of everything on the internet is deeply useless, weird, awful, boring, and generally not worth looking at. But once in a while, you stumble across something fairly awesome. That brings me to this little clip I bumped into on YouTube; it's a version of the song "Stand By Me," recorded by different people across the globe. I generally use my hardened cynic tone in this forum, but I dare you to not feel at least a little emotion as you watch it. Especially if you like the song as much as me.

Anyway, I ended up on that particular YouTube page as a result of having the song running through my head for several days. On Friday, I believe, a friend was humming "Good Vibrations," which is a magnificent song, and somehow that got stuck in my head, and put me in the mood for 60's psychedelic pop. So that drove me to go to several friends across campus, and accumulate all such music I could, featuring the works of Donovan, The Zombies, The Turtles, The Yardbirds, The Byrds, Simon & Garfunkel, and many others (it was quite an era for one-hit wonders). One of the songs that I grabbed, of course, was Ben King's "Stand By Me," and ever since I've been singing, or more aptly bellowing, the song as I walk the hallways of my dorm. For those interested, my radio show tomorrow will heavily feature such music. Tune in!

In other news:
- This has happened. The creation of a tiny biological battery that runs on human blood really really seems like the premise of a Michael Chrichton novel. I give us, say, 7 years until we see these become autonomous, develop intelligence, and start to enslave humans and harvest our blood.
- Why is it supposed to snow tomorrow? It's April, and such weather seems deeply unfair, especially after that gorgeous stretch we had.
- Sarah Palin is still talking. Yesterday she offered up this gem: "We are strategically placed to defend the critical assets of the United States and our allies in the Pacific Theater.” Excuse me? Which critical assets of the US are anywhere even close to Alaska? Is she still worried about Russia invading or something?
- I can't claim to be a fan of the series "Avatar: The Last Airbender," or to have even seen a full episode, but apparently it is a legitimately good show with a devout fanbase, something I'm inclined to respect. So I can only imagine the agony of having their show turned into a live-action film, directed by none other than M. Night "The Plants Are Going To Kill Everyone Except Mark Wahlberg" Shamalamayn.
- Wondering why I'm so mean to M. Night, even when the only movies of his I've seen (6th Sense and Signs) I've quite enjoyed? Here are some a typical review for his last film, The Happening: "It's a woeful clunker of a paranoid thriller... [with] befuddling infelicities, insistent banalities, a shambling pace and pervasive ineptitude." Or maybe it would be more fair to deliver one of like three positive reviews: "It turns out to be a divertingly goofy thriller."

The History of Parkour

As I noted the relative success of my history of Ultimate Frisbee post, I decided that writing a short history of cool things is a good formula for creating posts. For this reason I thought I would share the hopefully amusing (I haven't started researching yet so I don't know) history of Parkour.

Parkour was founded by a man named David Belle who was the son of a fireman. While David may have founded Parkour, it was his father that started the movement. Belle senior led a group of elite french firefighters who he trained in the art of methode naturelle. This was a concept he developed while in Vietnam, where he apparently had to run away a lot. These firefighters used any means necessary to get in and out of buildings (including jumping, vaulting, running up walls, etc). Their movement inspired the young David Belle to create Parkour. And while you may doubt anything this cool could come from France, I urge you to watch this clip of David in action. 

The clip which you should have just watched is from a French movie called B13, and while I have a few qualms with the scene (What happened to his shirt? How did he know that rope was there? Seriously though, where is his shirt?) it certainly shows the sheer awesomeness of Parkour. Unfortunately the awesomeness does not carry over to the dialogue/plot parts of the movie, whose hilarious awfulness places it firmly in the MST3K category of movies.

In closing I will quote David Belle himself: "Everything that is an obstacle, is part of our art." 

What, you seriously thought I was going to end the post with a meaningful quote?

In The Library

Not a real post here, just an amusing story:

I was working on a rough draft of a research paper of epic length this evening, gathering books to drop as evidence. I had made a bibliography that was due last week, but had sort of cobbled it together out of random likely-looking books I read summaries of online. Anyway, after not really finding any books that fit my needs, I decided to look back at that bibliography, and see if the library actually had any of those books. To my increasing surprise, each and every book on my works cited page was also housed in the library. I was delighted, and deeply impressed with the power of the St. Lawrence library, quite ready to forgive them for the weird (but not entirely unpleasant) odor that permeated several the books I found. But it really seemed like an amazing coincidence. Then I remembered: I had compiled my bibliography based on books I had found while searching through the school library's database. So naturally, everything on my list, and on the entire database, could be found on the shelves.

I feel like there is a moral hidden in there.

And it's not that I'm a bit lacking in common sense. Not where I was going at all. Thanks a lot, Inner Sarcastic Voice.

For Real?!

I was just doing a pre-bedtime perusal of Facebook, and one tidbit jumped out at me to a degree where I felt an immediate blog post was necessary. One classmate who shall remain nameless had a status update that read as follows, and I quote: "i wish i knew more DMB fans at SLU." Now, for the uninitiated, DMB refers to Dave Matthews Band, and SLU is street lingo for St. Lawrence University. Anyway, if you haven't recoiled due to the ridiculousness of that status already, this may not be the blog post for you. Let me endeavor to explain. There may be a college campus, somewhere, where Dave Matthews and his band are not appreciated or liked. It is not this campus. I would suggest that around one room out of say, 8, has a DMB poster on adorning the walls. If there was a way to know the 10 most common bands on people's iPods, than I would put serious money on DMB making the list. And why would you want to know more of them anyway? (Disclaimer: Cam Lownie quite enjoys DMB, and has lots of their music)

Also on the list of things that have made me invoke the title-referenced exclamation today: Glenn Beck. Instead of being a sort of silly/scary figure on my peripheries, he has moved right up there with Michael Moore and Bill O'Reilly on the list of people who need to seriously go away. He's only been a member of Fox for about two months, but he's already the third most popular cable news host on television. Haven't seen him? You're missing out (I highly recommend watching this at least up until the point where he breaks down in tears). Populists like him are always irritating, but Beck is really, really, awful.

Connecticut. I'd always thought you were a decent state. Maybe not the world's most exciting place, but harmless enough. Then this happens. A middle school where touching is banned. No physical contact is allowed. I'm not even going to stoop to ranting or debating about this. If such a ban doesn't sound inherently wrong to you...

Finally. Unnecessary movie remakes always grind my gears, but this seems like a perfect storm of terribleness. I know that the point of the article is that there is not going to be a Footloose remake starring Zac Efron, but that the very idea was being considered makes me shouty. Although I do recommend watching the original, just for giggles.

I know that last paragraph seemed like a good place to end, but I do just want to point out that a couple of weeks after you read about it here, CNN is now running a story about the proliferation of pythons (alliteration!) in Florida.

Mmmm Bullet Points

• Is anyone else bothered by those trucks that claim they are Yellow, while clearly remaining Orange? I see only two possible reasons for their deceitful color scheme:
  

1. The CEO of the company is colorblind and very sensitive. 
   
2. The ineptly named company is using a clever marketing  strategy that relies upon easily enraged bloggers to create "Hype."

• Who remembers the games that came standard with Windows 95? Sure there was solitaire and minesweeper, but there was also SkiFree. I wasted hours playing this game without even a clear conception of the rules. (Download it HERE)

Two bullet points aren't really enough are they? The pictures have captions though, so that's pretty cool. Whatever.

The Weekend That Was

Whoa. That weekend that just happened? That was a good one. Really good. Many epic things transpired. The primary reason behind most of the awesomeness was the weather. Friday was in the high 50s, and on Saturday it cracked 60. There were more happy people this weekend than I've ever seen before. Every bit of grass on campus was chock full of kids grilling, tossing frisbees, laying out on beach towels, listening to portable speakers, and in a few cases being crazy and doing homework. It was a picture-perfect adaptation of the mental vision I had for college going into the year.

Friday night, while out behind our dorm burning pizza boxes in the fire pit - site of a major party earlier in the day - my friends and I were passing time exclaiming angrily about the staggering number of empty bottles and cans left abandoned on picnic tables or dropped casually to the ground. One particularly wise friend had an epiphany: what if we picked up all the empties and returned them for money. This seemed like a particularly brilliant idea, so we filled up several trash cans, drove to the local grocery store, and made around $15. For the less mathematically-inclined, that is around 300 bottles/cans returned. And when you figure in the cans that were too crushed or dented to return, and the more exotic brands that the machines didn't recognize, you're looking at probably 500 empties in total. Consider that this is enough for 100 people to have 5 beers each, and that the party was done by nighttime.

Saturday afternoon a convoy of 5 cars left for a waterfall/camping site about 20 minutes away, where we grilled steaks, hung out, listened to music, and otherwise continued the activities from school in a slightly more secluded and scenic location. And while I'm sure that sounds pleasant, the epicness is hard to capture. We had no idea where this waterfall was, but managed to find it anyway. We assumed there would be grills at the campsite, and there weren't. Yet while wandering in the woods to use the bathroom, one girl found a discarded stainless steel cooking grate, which we combined with sticks and rocks to create a lovely homemade grill. It was most fortuitous.

Of course, there's snow predicted for tomorrow.

Daniel Day Lewis Can Kill You With ANYTHING

I just finished watching the film "Gangs of New York" which stars the eponymous and eternally bad-ass Daniel Day and the plays-the-exact-same-character-in-every-movie Leonardo DiCaprio. Oh and also that actress with the big face. 

Anyways, now that the I've stereotyped the actors, I can get into the actual movie. "Gangs of New York" is set in Civil War era New York where the Irish Immigrants and the "Nativists" are dueling over some ghetto called The Five Points. Now you may be asking yourself "This is a Leonardo DiCaprio movie right? So what happens early in the film that establishes his character's angst-filled existence for the rest of film?" The answer is of course Daniel Day Lewis kills Leo's father by pointing out the obvious superiority of his moustache (that and stabbing him with knives). 

Little Leo (being about five at the time) runs away only to return after a brief cut to darkness which lets us know 16 years has passed. Leo than insinuates himself into Daniel Day's now dominant gang and establishes himself as the son figure Daniel never had (That's such a good setup I think I'll remake it in Boston. Except replace Daniel Day Lewis with Jack Nicholson, and daddy issues with existential angst. AM I THE ONLY ONE SEEING THIS?!). Then Leo has lots of existential angst (holy crap. Seriously?) because he finds himself drawn to Daniel Day Lewis' incredibly awesome moustache, but is also torn because he wants to avenge his father. 

In the end everyone dies but the two characters we were emotionally attached to, and the viewer is left with the empty feeling that usually accompanies watching a film that was trying to win an academy award.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the North Country

By the way, the region of New York that I go to school in is indeed referred to as the "North Country." That's right, we're above upstate New York. Yay geography!

Anyway, I'm rather proud of that title up there. Not only does it just sound good, but I recently reread the Douglas Adams classic (which is far, far, too short) AND picked up a hitchhiker (sort of), thereby achieving a multifaceted degree of effectiveness that I for one certainly think is commendable.

Scene: the local Walmart, which moonlights as the cradle of civilization in St. Lawrence County. I needed apple juice, Derek needed a sewing kit because he wants to be me, Kathleen needed any number of odd things, and I'm not sure if James needed anything per se, but ventured out with us with the idea that something useful would present itself once he was there. After purchasing what we needed, discussing whether the Walmart would be the ideal sanctuary in event of a zombie apocalypse (upside - has everything possibly necessary to survive, including a water tower on the property; downside - only one story, with large glass windows of the sort that zombies could easily break through), and contemplating buying a potted plant, we finally set off into the parking lot, searching for Derek's car.

It was there that we encountered our hitchhiker. Upon seeing us heading to the car, he tried to hail us with a heavily accented "Hallo?" and a flailing wave, weighted down by around twelve grocery bags. Upon us acknowledging his presence, he inquired: "Do you guys go to Clarkson?" Clarkson is a rival college one town over, known mostly for engineering and hockey, and its subsquent 80/20 male to female ratio. My friends gave distainful sniffs, and replied that we were proud students of St. Lawrence University, thank you very much. I, on the other hand, asked if he needed a ride, the idea of which was was greeted warmly by our new friend, but rather more dubiously by the rest of my little group. Turns out that he was a French student studying abroad in New York, and had undertaken the fairly lengthy journey from Clarkson University to Walmart on foot, but it had become dark before he could return. We ended up dropping him off at his dorm, after a 6 or 7 minute drive filled by polite if awkward conversation.

I bring this up not to demonstrate my kindly and outgoing nature (although it does work quite well on that account), but rather as a commentary of the times we live in. After dropping our new French friend off, my friends and I discussed what had just happened. Everyone else said they probably wouldn't have offered him a ride, and certainly not as quickly as I had, and in retrospect, I have no idea what prompted my prompt offer. In the not too distant past, someone could use hitchhiking as a very real way to get from point A to point B, even if point B was in Alaska. In 2009, I'm afraid, you generally wouldn't be able to get home from Walmart. I mean, the guy we picked up was waving at us in a parking lot, not the side of the road, and we barely offered him a 3 mile drive to his college. And he was notably harmless looking, boasting spectacles, a slight build, and a French accent. I'm certainly not advocating that we all start picking up hitchhikers by any stretch, but I just think it's all a bit sad.

The History of Ultimate Frisbee

Ultimate Frisbee has collected quite a few stereotypes over the years. I decided to do some research to perhaps alleviate these injustices. 

To my surprise it turns out the stereotypes are in fact richly deserved. The actual founder of Ultimate Frisbee said on the first Ultimate players "There were also druggie types. We were about evenly split between the better students and the half who smoked dope."

Somewhat disheartened by this fact I decided just to give up and summarize the history of Ultimate. The history of Frisbee follows the general thought pattern of a high schooler (who may or may not be smoking the reefer):

Hey wouldn't it be cool if we made a game with a frisbee?

Totally! Lets make it like football and soccer and basketball combined!

Dude, wouldn't it be sweet if we got our school to recognize us?

DUDE! We should totally make jackets that says we're a varsity sport!

Haha yeah! Lets make up some funny names on the roster.

We can say our head coach is that crazy janitor!

Oh man we should definitely challenge the newspaper staff to a game in the parking lot!

I didn't make any of this up. The newspaper game ended with a fight. Legend has it the winners of the fight went on the found South Carolina Ultimate. Don't ask me why. 

Even stranger, the guy who brought frisbee back to his high school went on the write some of the Die Hard series (And thus was discovered the tenuous but significant connection between Samuel L. Jackson and Ultimate).

A Case Of The Mondays

First day back from spring break, and you know what I had to do at 8:00 this morning? Take a freakin' environmental exam. It was the worst. Now I'm just starting a 4-6 page paper due tomorrow. But let me offer a couple of rays of sunshine to brighten your day:

- REALLY AWESOME THING OF THE DAY = THIS. It is Neil Gaiman, reading aloud his recent work The Graveyard Book. It is literally perfect to have playing as you do homework or fall asleep or whatever.
- Today saw I Love You, Man for the wonderful price of $4 (movie theatre "downtown" offers half-off to college students on Mondays), and it was very funny. We had a crisp debate on the walk back on whether it was superior to Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and there were strong cases made on both sides.
- Do you live in MA? Do you enjoy good things? Check out the Lowell Summer Concert Series, a very cheap - most tickets are $25 - series of concerts going on over the summer in Lowell (as the title suggests) held in a wonderful little park which is my favorite place to see concerts ever. This summer the lineup features artists like Los Lonely Boys, Blues Traveler, Ani DiFranco, Michael Franti, Aimee Mann, and Joan Baez, who's apparently still amongst the living.
- I know I promised rays of sunshine here, but I need to be briefly shouty about the fact that the Nicholas Cage vehicle Knowing was the top movie for the weekend. Really, America? He was brilliant in Leaving Las Vegas and oddly tolerable in National Treasure, but besides that he and his increasingly unlikely toupees have been doing terrible things to cinema. And Knowing looked to be truly godawful, the sort of movie that could improve under the direction of M. Night Shamalymnaynan, who in the time since The Sixth Sense and Signs has been trying his hardest to join Cage in murdering cinema himself. Bah.
- I was actually quite interested in this article, which details a many-hour brainstorming session held by George Lucas and Steven Spielberg, where they invent the Indiana Jones franchise. I fully encourage readers to first check out the quite humorous article and then at least glance through the actual PDF. Cool stuff. Except admittedly when the article stops commenting on the discussion between Lucas and Spielberg, and starts riffing on Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, it gets notably less funny. Anyone can do that.

Oh Cool 100 posts. Also a Razor Phone

The MotoRazr, the iPhone, The BlackBerry, The Palm Pre, all have had their share of the spotlight. But now there's a new phone to get excited about: The Cool 758 Razor Phone!

In case you can't tell, this phone actually lives up to its name (Unlike the aforementioned MotoRazr) and in fact is also a razor. When the owner of this fine device is feeling particularly bristly, they simply pop off the bottom part of the phone and start grooming. 

The Razor Phone was produced in "Shenzen on this magical land of outstanding manufacturers" (Google translator was having a rough day) and features a "Built-Razor." It costs the mysterious amount of 750 RMB, but can you really put a price on combining telecommunications and personal hygiene? I didn't think so.

Watch Out For Snakes!

My intense fear of snakes, while perhaps not a subject addressed yet in this forum, is well-known and indeed severe. However, I feel strongly that this particular news story should terrify the beejesus out of everyone. See, Burmese pythons are taking over Florida. Thousands of morons in Florida keep buying these animals as pets, neglecting to consider that these things grow up to be 20 feet long and 250 pounds (!), and upon realizing that their pet could dispatch of them with relative ease, release the snakes into the swamps, where they meet other snakes, and have lots of little baby snakes. Several recent developments have brought this story to national attention. First of all, the pythons keep eating endangered species in the Everglades, which is bothering some environmentally-minded folks down there. They decided to find out how many Burmese pythons there were in the Everglades, reasonably enough, although the methodology employed for capturing rogue snakes alarms me a bit: "You cruise the roads, and when you see a python you grab hold of whatever part of the python you can, and hope you're faster." Sorry? That is the US Fish and Wildlife strategy for dealing with the exponential boom in the Florida python population? Consider this excerpt from a news story about a group of biologists being trained in snake wrangling: "Ostrom got a sharp reminder later on why he takes all this so seriously, as an anaconda bit him as he was putting the snake away. 'That's why you wear gloves,' he said good-naturedly. Despite the bite, the group feels well-versed for its next exotic encounter." Whaaaat? An anaconda bit him? And he was okay about this?

Anyway. When the Fish and Wildlife people did their count, they estimated there were many many thousands of Burmese pythons in the Everglades alone, and lots more living across the rest of southern Florida. Then, a couple of days ago, a report was issued saying that about a third of the United States features terrain and climate suitable for the pythons, and that we could soon be seeing pythons as far north as Virginia. You know how alien species like kudzu basically take over their ecosystem because they have no natural predators? It's like that, only kudzu is generally not disposed to or capable of eating you whole.

Perhaps you think I overstate things. Maybe. But take this account of an Everglades park ranger into account: "Although elusive by nature, these giant snakes have been seen doing battle with alligators, climbing trees fast enough to catch nesting chicks and swallowing animals as large as wood storks and deer." Doing BATTLE with ALLIGATORS?!?! Why on earth am I just hearing about this now?

It occurs to me a fairly high percentage of my friends are currently tossing frisbees or rowing about right in the middle of snake territory. Watch out.

Things That Are On Television

- A couple of weeks ago, I watched new episodes of The Simpsons and Family Guy on Hulu,and for the first time it really hit home that the latter is much, much funnier these days. I think I've known that for a while, but while I watched The Simpsons I may have chuckled or smirked once or twice at most. My viewing of Family Guy, on the other hand, was accompanied by plenty of loud and embarrassing laughter (I really ought to retire to the sanctity of my room whenever reading or watching comedy). My roommate assures me that South Park is funnier than either, but I've never really gotten into that.

- So I walked into my living room earlier this evening to find American Idol playing, and to my horror, the other members of my family were all crowded onto a couch watching. My sister, that I can understand. But to see my parents sucked into the machine... that was just sad. I gave my father a look in which I tried to communicate pure disappointment, but that's not my strong suit emotionally, and it may have simply come across as baffled amusement. He confessed to me afterwards that he has become a regular viewer, and has been watching for a decent portion of this season. It occurs to me that if I started watching, I would probably enjoy the whole experience: disagreeing with the judges, making fun of the contestants, maybe enjoying a performance once in a while. However, I have a false sense of superiority that I am very fond of that needs upholding, so I daresay that American Idol shall proceed unwatched by me.

- I enjoy the average episode of 30 Rock more than the average episode of The Office right now, and not just because of my love for all things Alec Baldwin.

- I was flipping channels yesterday (which is something I love about being home. I never find myself channel scanning at college; my TV viewing is almost exclusively online. Yay conforming to generational stereotypes), and I bumped across an episode of Friends guest-starring Tom Selleck's mustache. In what was an entirely not-eerie coincidence, tonight the oddly titled movie Quigley Down Under was showing on AMC, starring Tom Selleck's mustache as a American cowboy and sharpshooter hired in Australia by ALAN RICKMAN (who tries, and fails, to compete with Selleck mustache-wise), who wants him to kill Aborigines. Tom Selleck's mustache is apparently against such things however, and the stage is set for an epic showdown. Also features a woman enigmatically named in the credits as "Crazy Cora."

- I have all three seasons of Arrested Development on DVD and you don't. Nyah nyah.