Ode to My Couch

My couch is orange

My couch is plaid

My couch is unconditionally rad

My couch is squishy

And it has buttons

My roommate leaves crumbs for he is a glutton

It came from the Salvo

It was certainly used

I think my poor couch is used to abuse

My couch is not pretty

But it holds up my butt

There is metal underneath that gave me a cut

You may see me curled up

In a tight little ball

Simply because its neither long or quite tall

On top of the couch

Rests my alpine skis

Truly my couch is the bee's knees

It has no pretensions

Of delusions of grandeur

But nary a couch you will find that is grander

"It was the one-armed man!"

I generally like to consider myself a fairly sophisticated consumer of pop culture, but lately I've been enjoying some straight-up action movies. Back in the day, it seems, the modern requiem that any action movie must be stupider than my 8th grade science teacher didn't apply quite so much. I would nominate the following as being thoroughly awesome: The Fugitive, Die Hard, First Blood, Lethal Weapon. I'm sure that there are some more great ones out there too, but any additional titles have momentarily escaped me. Anyway, I practically dare you watch any of those without experiencing vivid daydreams for the following week featuring yourself defenestrating Alan Rickman (actually, that one's sorta Die Hard specific). That's not to say, however, that there aren't recent action movies that are anything besides incredibly badass: Pulp Fiction and Sin City come to mind.

On the subject of movies: http://www.cracked.com/article_16990_lost-in-translation-20-baffling-foreign-movie-posters.html That link shall take you to an amusing list of the most bizarre foreign movie posters ever created. Click on it: I guarantee out-loud chuckling (and if you're like me [dear God, let's hope not], guffawing).

In what must bee the best news story I've clicked on in some time, some anonymous hooligans hacked into the computer system controlling several road signs in Texas and changed them to read thusly:

Not Taking Notes

* The following comes from the bizarre mind of the latest addition to our blogging staff, John-Henry Heckendorn. He is a freshman at Whitman College, and brings a dry British wit and large vocabulary to the table. He is also worse at Ping-Pong than Nathan.* ~Cam & Nathan

I'm realizing that writing a blog makes you feel a lot more pretentious and a lot less sophisticated than I thought it would.

Anyway, here goes. (This was originally going to be about not doing homework, but then I thought about the friends that may actually read this, and I realized that not doing homework is more than likely a theme representative of sufficient collective pain to prohibit discourse.)

But recently I've found that there is an inexhaustible amount of things that one can do which don't involve taking notes in class, generally to the detriment of things like grades and professorial benevolence. Ranging from the bizarre to the depressingly mundane, here's my top ten list of ways to avoid note taking.

10. Lean back in your chair as far back as you can without tipping over. Fall back down and try again. Try and find that optimum spot where the chair can actually stand on two legs. (Don't actually fall over or you will look like a douche, or risk being compared to Cam)

9. Itch the inside of your ear with your pen. Start off trying to be inconspicuous and then gradually stop caring.

8. Wonder what the teacher was like in high school and what their spouse is like. Wonder if they occasionally beat their children.

7. Text your girlfriend. If you don't have one of these, text the girl you'd like to be your girlfriend. If you don't have her number, you're probably taking notes right now instead of reading this. If you're not inclined towards girlfriends repeat step six.

6. Doodle things that on later inspection will make you feel like someone with a serious drug problem.

5. Rank members of the opposite gender in the classroom in terms of who you would have sex with, from first to last. (At Whitman College, this kind of thing yields disheartening results)

4. Invent fantasy classroom, in which you and your friends all select a member of class and get points for the things they say, the grades they get, the number of times they pick their nose, etc...

3. Tell yourself that at some point you will have the balls to shotgun a beer before class: leading to a much more interesting discussion, at least for you. (Don't actually do this)

2. Stretch your hands behind your head and sigh loudly. Disconcert the now nervous person sitting behind you as you stretch farther and farther back... (I make this sound intentional but the only times I've done it have been accidental and have involved inadvertently stroking the face of the person behind me. Try to avoid this)

1. Just sleep in...


Honorable mention: if you ever have a reason not to want to do that reading that you promised yourself you'd do that morning so you could fall asleep the night before, write a blog.

A Fair and Balanced Political Discourse

I ran across an article that really gets at the core of American Politics. I've decided to include some of the more enlightening quotes for your perusal.

"Democrats are Marxists. America wages war against Marxists. We do not elect them as President" (Hold on. We don't elect Marxists as President? To think I've been wrong all these years.)

"[Democrats] force banks to give loans based on skin color." (The author doesn't really explain this. I assume where he lives they don't give loans to white people.)

"[Democrats] use racism as a boogeyman to shut up all opposition...They absurdly say that all cultures are equal." (How dare they?)

"They...promote third world cultures to the detriment and obliteration of ours." (I think third world countries are too busy starving to bring about the destruction of America)

This article was written by Joe Bennet. He has a website (www.OurRepublic.us). He also sells T-Shirts. My favorite shirt:

His caption for this shirt?      "Just little thing I dream about ;)"

Updates on My Social Life, Blogging Woes, and Fake Musical Prowess

The more astute reader may have noticed that this was posted at 11:50 or so on a Saturday night, but I assure you, my social life is as as lively as ever (Joke? Discuss). The simple explanation is that I woke at bloody 6:30 this morning to go skiing in bizarrely cold weather, a decision I would repeat in an instant but sort of regret nonetheless. The early wakeup aside, skiing has a knack for stripping all energy you may have possessed and make you want to put on sweatpants. I happily succumbed to this urge and spent an oddly enjoyable evening playing Halo and almost watching the Godfather but settling on Scrubs when we realized that the Godfather is three freakin' hours long and frankly, as epic as that movie is, none of us were up for that. Four or five episodes of Scrubs later, I've retreated to my room and am enjoying some late night apple juice and cheezits.

Anyhow, the whole blogging thing, while certainly not losing any of its appeal, has become a bit tarnished for me lately. For two of my classes this semester, I have a 'class blog.' This is a creature new to me. Apparently the idea is to jot down some thoughts once a week or so, bounce ideas off class mates, in general create a forum to continue discussions outside of class. This idea has some fatal flaws. For one, in both classes, the blog is being graded, which sucks any spontaneity straight out of the operation. I suppose this is necessary; I'm not sure that class blogs would rank too high on anyone's priority list otherwise. Also, my professors seem to have something against standard blogging sites and formats, and insist upon using our university blogging function, which resides in some dank and rarely visited dungeon of the St. Lawrence website. I'm not sure if I can do the interface justice, but I have already had one post sort of slip away quietly without a trace into cyberspace, despite the fact that the damn thing autosaves every thirty seconds or so. Grrr.

On an entirely unrelated but pleasant side note, I'm getting damn competent at Guitar Hero: World Tour. Not good, perhaps. But ragingly competent. Except on drums. And vocals.

Webcomics

Webcomics are a mainstay of my interweb surfing. Because I love them so much I thought I would share some of my favorites. 

Dr. McNinja: He's a doctor who's also a ninja, its pretty self-explanatory. These comics are written in the style of a serial comic book, with about 3 pages out a week. There are quite a few complete stories which are great for just reading straight through.  http://www.drmcninja.com/archive.html

Penny Arcade: This is probably the most famous of Webcomics. A typical videogame/nerd subculture parody. The older comics are truly classic.  http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/

xkcd: Described by the author as a webcomic of Romance, Sarcasm, Math, and Language. You owe it to yourself to read this, even if the progamming/math/physics jokes go over your head (as they often do mine), its more than worth it when you understand one.  http://xkcd.com/

ButterSafe: At first glance you might think its deep and meaningful. I urge you to look closer.   http://www.buttersafe.com/

Dinosaur Comics: Existential Dinosaurs? I think yes.   http://www.qwantz.com/

AmazingSuperPowers: Sick humor at its best. Be sure to click around the last panel for a link to a bonus comic.  http://www.amazingsuperpowers.com/home.htm

Diesel Sweeties: A pixelated webcomic that seems to have robot love as a central theme. Don't ask me why. http://www.dieselsweeties.com/

F Chords: A webcomic about two socially awkward musicians. Reflects a part of my life I both revere and fear. http://www.fchords.com/

Its almost depressing to see how many I read on a daily basis. 

Oatmeal

I have never enjoyed oatmeal. Not even a little. Breakfast foods I enjoy more include Frosted Flakes, granola, waffles, croissants, Cap't Crunch Peanut Butter, pancakes, muffins, french toast, and maybe some others too. Not a big oatmeal fan. Looks icky.

So you can imagine my surprise when I found out that oatmeal has infiltrated my daily life, much like some nefarious ninja (alliteration! and a good one, to boot. Should use it more often). First, after buying some new shaving cream over break, I decided to trim the the unsightly... thing... that had taken residence upon my chin. When I lathered on this new lotion, however, I discovered quickly that my shower was suddenly home to a strong, and vaguely disquieting, scent of oatmeal. Upon closer investigation of the shaving cream bottle, I discovered that I had somehow missed the both bold and italicized promise that the product Contains Oatmeal, which strikes me as a curious advertising technique. However, it was an effective shaving cream, and I decided to put performance ahead of quibbles over odor.

Just a week later, however, I was in the local P & C up here in Canton NY, trying to pick out a hand lotion (Unmanly, you say? You try living up here. I go through chapstick like nobodies' business). I ended up going with the cheapest one, but upon getting back to my dorm and putting the lotion on, I discovered that it simply reeked. Not necessarily of oatmeal, mind you, but it was not an odor with which I would ever choose to be associated with. I decided to take a closer look at the ingredients, fearing that orange peels or the like would be a major ingredient (Citrus allergy. Long story). But what should be the main ingredient? Freakin' oatmeal. I turned the dispenser over, sighing a little, and noticed for the first time that it too, proudly and prominently, Contains Oatmeal.

PS. Discussions with hallmates on this subject has revealed that oatmeal is appearently great for your skin. Still, that doesn't change the fact that oatmeal isn't my favorite at the best of times, and certainly is not a product I would knowingly rub into my skin.

Death is My Copilot

Driving a car is something wonderful. It gives the driver control, and freedom, and as my history teacher pointed out, a place for teens to "Canoodle." That being said, I've noticed that I have developed some odd driving habits. Whenever I drive over the same route many times, I start to challenge myself to drive it faster.

I did this most notably my senior year driving to my girlfriends house. It was a winding path that when driven normally takes about 8 minutes. Over the course of a few months, I was able to make the route in under 5 minutes. It doesn't sound impressive but if you were in the car with me you would recognize the knuckle-whitening skill that involves. 

I discovered that one of my friends does something similar: He tries to break 100 mph by the end of one particular road. Why did he drive this road so much? It was on the way to his girlfriends house. Coincidence? Perhaps not.

My theory is that guys, when faced with the prospect of dealing with a female, turn to feats of automotive recklessness to secure their manliness. "If I'm going to spend a few hours talking about my feelings, I may as well risk my life in the most idiotic and virile manner I can think of."

On a completely unrelated note, Cam was talking about Watchmen and I found (fearandloathingny.blogspot.com/) an amusing picture. Awwww look at baby Rorschach!

This Wasn't Originally Titled 'Clams' But In Retrospect It Should Be

Hello everybody! I'm pleased to announce that the reports of my demise were greatly exaggerated, and I shall resume my usual mind-bendingly awesome semi-daily posting. After a whirlwind of a weekend, I'm back and settled in at St. Lawrence, happy as a clam (Incidentally, any information about the origins of that phrase would be appreciated, because frankly I'm stumped). Although very content to be back at college, I am taking issue with the coldness I have been enduring, coldness far beyond the capacities of mere clams. What's the difference between clams and oysters, incidentally? I certainly lack the knowledge of marine fauna to distinguish the two. I would point out, however, that when combined, the names of the two species become 'Cloyster,' a Pokémon notable for its formidable defense stats, and a favorite of mine. Too nerdy? Sorry. Anyway, I do know that oysters possess the clearly magical ability to create pearls from sand, while clams are curiously deprived of similar privileges. The fact that I haven't yet looked this up on Wikipedia represents a stunning deviation from the norm, but my internet connection is a bit touch-and-go at the moment. Anyway, enough with the clams. Since last posting, I have:

- Given some polar bears handlebar mustaches
- Saw a Dark Side of the Moon laser show
- Unwittingly ingested a fairly large amount of protein powder
- Become addicted to a board game called "Settlers of Catan"
- Played a LOT of Pokémon Red (Hence the above reference. Yesterday I beat the Elite Four in my latest game, and my mind is currently drifting in that direction alarmingly often)
- Discovered many new bands. I'll probably devote a whole post to this later...
- Shoveled inordinate amounts of snow, although I made a lovely amount of money from this
- Experienced temperatures at UVM such that my hair frosted (ie. turned completely white. This was alarming)
- Gone to a John Brown's Body concert at Higher Ground in Burlington
- Had my first 'Critical Studies in Graphic Novels' class today. AHH! So excited. Being assigned to read up to Chapter Six of 'Watchmen' by Thursday is by far the greatest homework assignment ever.

TXTing LOL!!!

Its been quite a while since me or Cam has written. It was a nice break, but now since writing a blog is better than homework I'm back to posting.

Today I want to rant about something that has bothering me more than stepping in a wet spot with socks on: SMS messages (or txting to the ill-informed). Txting has increased exponentially over the past few years. According to Wikipedia " 40% of US Mobile phone users text. The split by age group is as follows: 13-27's: 82% text, 15-37's 73% text, 28-39's: 44% text, 40-49's: 18% text" . That is a LOT of texting. Speaking as a member of that 82% majority I must say, while convenient, texting can be a real pain.

First on my list of annoyances are the people who feel the need to get the last word (or letter) in every txt interchange. A purely fictional example:

Nathan: i'll meet you at 8:30 then?

Complainee: ok, you wntd the hi quality stuff right?

Nathan: The usual stuff, the usual place. C u there

Complainee: K

K? K? I understand the courtesy of letting me know you got my last message, but my phone tells me when its delivered. And really, just a letter? The drive to have the last word is strong enough to waste airspace with a single solitary letter? 

The above complaint is really just an extension of a larger problem: people treating txt like a conversation. They're itty bitty emails, there is really no need to act as if we're talking. If you want to converse then call me.

Another problem is more or less focused around my specific phone. It has this program called iTAP which guesses what word I'm going for and fills it in (you may know it as T9, Word, or predictive txting). Its great until it doesn't know what word you want. If you want to say "iPod" you have to enter it manually each time. Eventually the program learns that you want "iPod" when you start with "i" then "p" on the keypad. The problem with this is iTap then decides you never need to write any other word than "iPod" once you start down that path. Thus, many of my txts have all the words "is" replaced with "ip." Which leaves people struggling to think what "ip" could abbreviate. Maybe it stands for "Incontinence Problems", or perhaps its a quick way of saying "I urinate on a regular basis". Either way people get confused.

Perhaps if I had a spiffy phone, my opinions would shift and I would become like the others: groups of two people happily straining their thumbs to have a conversation although they are both equipped with a device which will let them talk to each other.

Also I can't help reading LOL not as representative of laughter, but phonetically: "he tried to sell me the low-grade stuff so I knifed him! Laaaawl!"